Life sometimes feels weird, doesn’t it?
Or maybe it always feels weird.
But sometimes the weirdness gets overwhelming. Sometimes, I feel the fabric of my being pulling in every direction. It’s as if the whole world were simultaneously full and empty. It’s as if everything I ever truly needed was right there in front of me, but still impossible to grasp — as if I were paralyzed by my own will.
It’s as if I had two personalities inside me: one which needs and needs and needs — the other, striving to keep those needs ever empty and unfulfilled. Through it all, there’s the voice of wisdom that knows those needs are superficial and empty, but nevertheless — those needs persist and remain.
It’s the weirdness of being simultaneously awake and dreaming. It’s a strange kind of sleepwalking through consciousness. I lose track of who I am — I become everyone and no one.
In this moment, I long for the escape.
Escaping from this space of nothingness.
In this moment, I long to be something. In this moment, I long to have something.
In this moment, I long to have it all. This everything is what I truly long for.
How shall I be everything? How shall I have everything? How shall I feel everything?
This everything I so desperately long for.
Whatever I have now,
Whatever I am now,
Whatever there is now,
Just isn’t enough.
It’s never enough.
I want more. I want everything. I need everything.
How shall I get my everything? How may I move from nothingness?
This nothingness which haunts me, yet seems so close to everythingness.
Ever so close.
Moments like this have the face of suffering on first glance — but deep inside, they’re a beautiful gift. It’s through these states of lost consciousness, of chaotic emotions and feelings of being lost, that creative expression comes into full power.
It’s through chaos and pain that we come to learn who we truly are, and can then allow true beauty and joy to blossom freely.